How Far We've Come
- extrasupprtboxes
- Apr 8
- 4 min read
(Fair warning to my friends and family, this is a brutally honest blog and it'll be a hard read for some.)
*Trigger warning*
In me writing out these blogs, in a way, it's like a love letter, both to myself and anyone else who is struggling right alongside me. I've been struggling a lot more recently for one reason or another, so I've had to take more time to myself to try and keep going. Now that I've been able to recognize how to make space for myself, I have an extra tool in my belt to use to help me try to regulate before things get too out of hand. You're going to work on yourself on your own journey to get better right beside me, I think there's something beautiful in that. We're always a work in progress and every day, whether we can recognize it or not, we're making progress. There will always be ebbs and flows, but the overall trend is up.
I was able to recognize recently that I needed to take a step back in life again, go back to the basics, and re-hone my coping skills. Once you've lived so many years of your life with learned behaviors, it's hard as hell to unlearn them and re-learn new healthy coping skill habits. I'm glad that I had my doctors and therapists telling me that there would be ups and downs like this for a while on my journey to getting better, I just didn't think the ups and downs would be so pronounced and harsh. If I didn't have the overall perspective in mind, I could see how I could very easily just jump to the conclusion that "nothing is working" and "I'll never get any better" and dig myself more into a hole of despair. That in itself was a challenge to overcome the negative thought patterns. Learning to catch yourself and correct yourself in the moment is key.
Even with all my recent struggles, and quite frankly, a minor mental breakdown, it helps to remind yourself of how far you've come. Seven years ago was when my struggles really got bad, I was in a bad marriage with an abusive alcoholic and I was often isolated and alone as a military wife. Those days got bad enough for me that I had actually planned out my suicide, I had my method in hand and I was ready to end it all. I guess something just clicked with the idea of everything being so final, that I still had some fight left in me and my reason to live was my dog, Domino, he literally saved my life. I couldn't bear the thought of him not being able to understand why I was gone and what would happen to him? I just couldn't abandon my baby boy just because I was going through hell. After my divorce, I kept fighting for him, for my other dog, Rosie, and for a better life I knew I could have.
For years it felt like I was just stuck in a pit trying to claw my way out to no avail. I finally figured out how to ask for help (still not very good at it, but it's progress) and sought out mental health counseling. I made a career for myself and started a business to help save up for a home to live in on my own. I made that happen. I built relationships and strong friendships. I've worked my ass off to be successful in my career and I've made a name for myself in the industry.
Things were looking up, then I moved, my grandma died, then just a few months later my grandpa died, then a few months after that I almost died getting bucked off a horse, somehow didn't break my neck, but still got seriously injured, a few months later I got rear-ended in a car accident and re-injured my neck, and then a very good family friend passed away not too long after that. I felt like I was falling behind again and things started building up. Winters are usually hardest for me, and I get some relief when the weather breaks in late spring/early summer...that didn't happen last year. Then, just six months ago, I had a full mental breakdown, I was suicidal, was self-harming, and I was heavily reliant on pot to try and just cope enough to keep going in life. I was admitted into a partial-hospitalization program, changed my life.
I guess what I'm trying to remind everyone of (including myself) is that it's okay to fall down and do worse again, but what's important is that we continue to choose to stand back up and fight. It's absolutely exhausting, but it's worth it to keep fighting for something better. Every time you go down, you learn something new and you do better little by little. Keep going, you got this.
If you are especially struggling, make sure you are reaching out to a help resource or to a psychiatrist or therapist. Check out our resource page for help.
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